You’ve heard of Yo Mama jokes.
You’ve heard of the more grammatically correct Your Mom jokes.
Now it’s time to introduce my very own… My Mom Jokes.
My Mom Jokes are special because… Oh, wait – I don’t have a mom! (Oh, snap!)
Considering I currently have about five rather inconsistent readers, I’m pretty sure that at least four of them know I don’t have a mom. For my other random reader who happened to stumble onto this blog from some other, most likely funnier, place:
I don’t have a mom.
Whew, I’m glad I got that off my chest.
It goes like this: my mother decided she was over the whole “having a family” thing and chose to chill out in Korea (being Korean, this was a logical choice for her) while my dad and brother and I moved back to the glorious US of A.
Basically, My Mom Would Be a Fob (fresh off the boat), but then she decided to get right back on said boat.
half-Asian human, though, I was grateful to learn that I was pretty much destined to spend hours in therapy because of my mother. In fact, the Tiger Mom craze just made me reflect that if my mother had stuck around, I probably would’ve logged the same number of hours in therapy – and I’d likely have been pushed into being a lawyer after all.
It comes out even, though, because if I was a lawyer I probably would’ve been able to actually afford the therapy.
Not having a mom is a little different than not having a dad, though, as far as society is concerned. And it’s super mega different from having Two Parents Who Are Actually Life Partners (…do those people exist anymore?). We’re used to Deadbeat Dads as one of the more common childhood traumas. We’re not used to Missing Mamas. It makes you go, “Huh.” It may give you a twitch.
IT MIGHT MAKE YOU THINK WE’RE DEALING WITH THE END OF THE MATERNAL INSTINCT AS WE KNOW IT, LIKE WHOA.
But it’s okay! I’m pretty sure my mother didn’t actually break civilization. (That was our education system in the US. I know it’d be funnier if I blamed a person, but I really hate the blame game.)
Get ready to heave a big ol’ sigh of relief, because my dad recently revealed to me the pin holding this whole mystery together. Why did my mother leave? Is she the first of many mothers who will defy nature and abandon their babies? Who will be revealed as the true villain in our saga?
Stay tuned in next week to find out the answers to all these questions and more!
See, here I am in Thailand, and I went crazy missing kimchi. Funnily enough, I never got addicted to kimchi until I moved to Seattle a few years ago. See what I lost from not having a mom?!
(I come by my love of fermented cabbage from both sides, though: between my mother and my mostly German paternal antecedents, I’m doomed to a multi-pronged cabbage addiction, all sauerkraut and kimchi, all the time.)
Luckily for me, my dad came to the rescue and took me to a Korean restaurant in Pattaya. And as we were sitting there chowing down on our millions of little dishes, he said, “You know, your mother knew when she was pregnant with you because it put her off kimchi. She couldn’t keep it down at all when she was pregnant.”
My first thought: Damn, no wonder she left us!
So there we are. Mystery solved. My mother didn’t herald the end of times; she just reacted like any rational Korean whose kimchi was being taken from her! Koreans were willing to pay four times the normal price for a head of cabbage because it’s their staple food!
The lesson here: Don’t be taking no kimchi from Koreans. They will leave you. They’d probably cut you too.
Note: For those of you who have a hard time laughing at my trauma, think of it this way: I grew up as The Girl Without a Mother. You could say I had a scarlet M on my chest. People congratulated me on having common politeness because of course, any child raised by one of those awful others, those, those men, would not know what manners were. I also had to buy my very first pads and tampons by myself.
There will just never come a time when that’s not funny.